Everything I Know, I Learned from Star Wars

"It's terrible, Master," moaned my young Apprentice to me. "I can't do anything right. I'm depressed."

Not a surprise. You want issues? This young man has Issues.

"What is it this time?" I said, rolling my eyes. "A mentor who doesn't understand you? A secret wife? Disloyal droids?"

"Well, yes, Master...how did you know about all of that? But it's more, much more," said the young man clad in leather and black. "It's, well, I'm a failure. I can't do it. I can't even seem to create suspense in this movie. Everybody knows what's going to happen! What should I do, Master?"

Indeed. Revenge of the Sith isn't a movie one should attend in order to be surprised. We already know the ending. Worse than that, we know we're going to be depressed all the way through it. And we invite it. We invite the Dark Force to take us in.

Things I Knew Would Happen in Episode III, Revenge of the Sith:

1. Padme thinks she's having a child, Anakin Skywalker's child. Ha! To badly quote Yoda, one the number is not.

2. Women won't have the best lines in this movie. Princess Leia got her shots in during Episode 4, but it's been all downhill since then. Natalie Portman is an excellent actress, but she doesn't have anything to say other than, "What's wrong, Ani?"

3. Anakin Skywalker is headed for doom. Okay, we knew that, but why couldn't Padme figure it out? His wardrobe is darker, tending towards dark leathers and blacks. He has nightmares. He tends to like politics. His eyes are shifting towards a yellowish hue. His hair is longer.

4. A lot of Jedi are going to die in this movie. Ah, but we know that Obi Wan Kenobi and Yoda will survive.

5. Some droids have a moral center and a lot of heart. It's great to see R2D2 get some great kick-butt scenes (if a legless robot can kick butt). But he is really the heart of the movie, and he sees young Anakin's fall before anyone else. And it's good to see C3PO is as cowardly as ever. "I feel so helpless!" he tells Senator Padme. No kidding. He and the rest of us.

6. The dialogue will be sooo bad. Samuel L. Jackson, a fine actor who has tackled many parts, including Shakespeare, can't seem to speak the dialogue, as it falls not-so-trippingly from his tongue. Mace Windu can't speak Lucas.

7. Everyone with more than one secret name is someone to watch out for. Anakin vs. Darth Vader. Count Dooku as Darth Tyranus. And the ones with a THIRD name are downright evil and should be the star of this film: Senator/Chancellor Palpatine as Darth Sidious as The Emperor.

8. We're really here for one reason only: the fall of Anakin Skywalker and the rise of Darth Vader. Everything else is secondary. And Lucas delivers on this promise.

I wanted to spend more time on those wondrous planets I saw. Spend a little time with Chewbacca's Wookiees. Sheesh, I'd like to have seen General Grievous a little more, peer into those bloodshot half-human eyes of his. But every scene was over too quickly. Quick fight scene, long ponderous exposition with Anakin complaining, quick fight scene, another long ponderous... You get the idea.

But this is Star Wars, the sixth film which is really sorta the third film, and its sole purpose is to tie up all those loose strings and convince us that a young man can learn to love those dark colors. ROTS does all that.

I advised my young Apprentice to take some valium and call me in the morning. Come to think of it, I'll suggest he take something stronger. After all, he just had twins. He has no idea what trouble can be.