Monday, June 05, 2006

X-Men: The Last Stand (WARNING! SPOILERS!)

The Producers of X-Men: The Last Stand brought the meeting to order.

“Brett, we’re so glad you could take over from Bryan Singer. This is a very rich franchise for us, and we’re eager to see the last installment be a quality picture.”

Brett: “Thanks, guys. I’m really eager to get started. But you said there was a punch list, stuff we have to include. What did you have in mind?”

Producers: “You’re right. We have a list of things. Let’s see. Um, we need to bring Famke back…”

Brett: “What?! That’s ridiculous. The girl’s dead. Let’s get over it.”

Producers: “No, no, we paid her for three pictures. We have to get our money’s worth. Besides, nobody dies in Star Trek…”

Brett: “I wasn’t aware this was Star Trek, but let’s move on. What else?”

Producers: “You gotta have Wolverine be in a fight. You gotta show Beast in a fight…”

Brett: “Cool! Not a problem with both of those. I looove action.”

Producers: “Halle is asking for more screen time. And a different hair style. And more of a leadership role.”

Brett: “Well, from what I’ve seen from the script, the screen time shouldn’t be a problem.”

Producers: “Oh, and, uh, we have one more request. You have to show Hugh Jackman naked.”

Brett: “What?? Oh, c’mon!”

Producers: “Okay, okay, if not naked, at least shirtless. We’re paying the guy pennies but he’s a really big star now. It would be stupid not to take advantage of his hunkdom. Brett, just this one little thing….whatddya think?"

Brett: “Well, they’re gonna say I’m a sell-out, but why not. Okay, we’ve got to bring the dead back, cool fight scenes, and shirtless Wolverine. Is that it?”

Producers: “Well, just one more thing. This is supposed to be The Last Stand. But let’s be real. If it goes over $200 gross, we’re gonna do number 4. How about you pump up the roles of the smaller X-Men, you know, the kids at the school, and lessen some of the majors. Maybe even kill off somebody like Patrick Stewart and that one-eyed guy. Take away the powers of Romijn and McKellen. They’re getting to be ‘way too expensive. If we go to X4, we can still have the X-Men with the new Angel guy and some of these other kids, and a smaller budget. Whaddya think?”

Brett: “I think you guys are crazy. But….if I don’t do this, I’ll be stuck doing Rush Hour 3. Okay, okay.”

Producers: “Great! See you at the movies!”


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